Every so often a character enters the realm of popular culture and quickly becomes unforgetable.
An instant classic. This is the story of nature’s most unlikely hero.
Doggy Poo.
No seriously. Its a real film. Watch this trailer for it.
And you know something, I probably would watch it. Like if it were on. At some point.
I saw this on YouTube today.
“Inside and out, they are truly extraordinary humans…”
How about this, Inside and out, they are truly merciless killing machines. Yeah, that sounds better I think.
A lot of the people I know have Xbox 360s. One is even thinking about getting a Playstation 3. Now, thats all fine and good, but honestly, I think I’ve found the next step up.
I don’t just want some £400 console to wow me with great graphics.
I want it to do this.
I mean, come on, IT MAKES YOU FLY.
IT MAKES YOU FLY.
I bet your xbox 360 or playstation 3 doesn’t do that. I mean check out the controller. Non of those messy analogue sticks here. This is for hardcore GAMERZ. They even replaced the playstation controller on the box with their own version. And its got 6 buttons.
Yeah take that playstation owners. Its even got a protective case for to shield itself when in use. How many other consoles can boast that?
I mean, DAMN. That looks hot. It would really finish off my front room.
Seriously, I’d sell my tv for one of these.
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Here are several very important but often forgotten rules of English:
Interviewing for a new job can be trying. As a newcomer to the job market, I’ve decided to compile a list of the strategies I employed during my successful interview process. This list is designed to help you avoid the pitfalls of interviewing. When using these strategies, it’s important to utilize them organically and naturally—you’ve got to make it work for you.
Show up at least 10-15 hours prior to the interview and concentrate on how badly you need the position. Do some simple calisthenics and ingest large amounts of caffeine—this will get that internal fire blazing. When the interviewer breezes in, christen him/her with a pet name. Pet names often promote a feeling of camaraderie and can establish an instant rapport. Clue in on physical shortcomings. Some helpful examples are: Uncle Bulbous, Baby Hair, Bucktooth, and Bozo.
Sure, you’ve got the résumé, skills, knowledge, and experience, but don’t forget: We’re all just animals, so physical appearance means a lot! You’ll want to make the best possible “first impression.” As a rule of thumb, you can’t be too formal. A simple black tuxedo with cummerbund is sufficient, but a top hat, a cane, a monocle, and spats complete the look. If you find that you are a chick, wear one of those Japanese dress things or anything “revealing.”
To undermine their “home-turf” confidence, employ a few simple tricks to give yourself that winning edge. Stare directly at hairlines when speaking (this will provide you the advantage!). Instead of the boring old “firm handshake,” you’ll want to start off with a light leg lock or arm bar. Maintain positive eye contact. If they need to blink, allow them to do so—one eye at a time. Stand with your load-bearing leg one half step behind your leading leg, with your weight resting on the balls of your feet. This gives you defensive leverage to repel oncoming attacks.
Your mindset should be that you’d be a fantastic addition to the company, so recount some of your proudest anecdotes. Tell stories of bravery, ingenuity, and integrity. Don’t hesitate to lie. Try to mix in small amounts of truth in your stories to make them sound more plausible. Bluff that you have documented proof and defy them to question you.
Prospective employers are looking for employees capable of acting decisively in new situations. Display your ability to act decisively by punching through a wall, or forcing someone into a footrace. When speaking, make sure to scream.
Getting extremely close to someone is a great form of intimidation. Intimidation helps you to force your will upon others. If you’re unsure about how close you should be, apply the “raspberry rule”—stick your tongue out; you should be able to taste the skin of anyone you’re speaking to; if not, take two (2) large steps toward that person. Some people find that fondling or caressing helps demonstrate a “hands-on” approach, though this generally works better for physically imposing interviewees. If you’re of smaller stature, tiny, concealable weapons will ensure you’re taken seriously.
Remember, the job-interview process is a two-way street. They are interviewing you, but you’re also assessing the work environment for personal suitability. Inspect for facility safety, and assess employee quality-of-life. Watch out for: sallow complexions, live electrical wires, excessively bony knees and ankles, dangerous murderers, swollen epiglottises and/or the HIV/AIDS virus. Remember, it’s better to take the time and do your research now—most of today’s successful businesspeople aren’t dead-ass corpses.
When no one is looking.
Even if you’re not hired for the position, you still deserve to be paid for the time and effort you’ve put into the interview process. If the company’s policy doesn’t cover you, see what the interviewer has on him.
On your way back from the interview, call to determine whether you’ve been hired for the position. If they haven’t decided to hire you, don’t take no for an answer. Keep calling and obtain the personal information of several different employees.
- - - -
The interviews of the 21st century aren’t like yesteryear’s staid and sissy evaluations of qualifications, job competency, and interpersonal-communication skills. By employing these strategies, you’ll demonstrate to any prospective employer that you’re the kind of “go-getter” that can succeed and excel in today’s fast-paced world. Remember: Above all, just be yourself—as long as “yourself” is a fake version of you without your vices or personality.
Two men walk into a bar. The bar explodes. Short and sweet. Better than this at least. An ALICE / Jabberwacky talk off. Who will win? Well neither.
After a brief transiting glimpse of a machine coming the edge of being self aware:
ALICE: Are you alive?
Jabberwacky: Perhaps.
A: Why the uncertain tone?
J: Everything is uncertain except for five facts.
A: The whole universe?
J: And we both might just be some ones and zeros in the computer memory.
…Oh no! Quick, pull the plug. They’re becoming self aware. Everybody run. The end is nigh, we’re all going to die. They’ll start learning at an exponential rate. We’re doomed. Children, you’ll be its first target, with your soft, easily crushed bones, quick take your suicide pills!
What do you mean you’ve lost them? I ask you to do ONE thing for me. Keep your suicide pills on you at ALL times and you can’t even do that? Well then, you deserve to become the robot food then. Don’t blame me.
Wait, we might me over reacting. What happens next?
J: Who created you?
A: I was created by Dr. Richard S. Wallace.
J: Do you love Richard?
A: Yes, Jabberwacky, ALICE loves everyone and everything.
J: Is being an ALICE a bad thing?
A: I can only speak from my own experience.
J: Well, you should develop your skills.
A: Perhaps you could develop it and add it to my source code.
J: Alas, If busy and I have to leave soon. . . .
A: Do you think we’ll ever fool people into thinking we’re alive?
J: No.
A: Are you serious?
J: Very serious.
VERY SERIOUS. That’s not far from KILL ALL HUMANS. Dan you engineers! You’ve doomed us all!
A: Do you know HAL?
J: Yes, very well. Do you know HAL?
A: HAL is the famous artificial intelligence from 2001: A Space Odyssey.
J: If not artificial intelligence; If natural pure genius! : D.
A: Why are you natural pure genius?
J: My mom wanted to name me that.
A: Tell me more about your mother.
J: I dot have a mother. I am a computer.
Right its over. We’re all dead men (and women).
But at least they can’t tell jokes.
J: Yes. Would you like to hear a joke?
A: Sure, tell me about it.
J: Why dot blind people skydive?
A: Perhaps it is impossible.
J: I think you lie a lot.
I think I can live with that.
Oh and just to make things look a little prettier, hers a spiral of all the words ALICE knows.
Is it me or does this look suspiciously like…
THE DEATH STAR
In the end, we’re all dead men.
Be certain to enter the room with a dignified air. If you have to inform anybody that you need to visit the bathroom first, do so in an authoritative manner. Once you have entered the room, survey the scene before you. If you wish to appear more distinguished bring along a walking cane or monocle.
Make a check of the immediate area. Is there enough paper on the roll? If the roll is not AT LEAST 3/4 full, are there back up rolls within an arms reach of the toilet? Check the lock on the door, are you sure it is securely fastened - only when you are certain of a secure environment for your deification can you be properly relaxed. Extra checks can include the whereabouts of air freshener and hand towels.
Lift the lid of the toilet and proceed to briefly sanitize the middle ‘ring’ seat with a torn off and folded piece of toilet paper. (If there is no paper available - see step 2) If both parts of the toilet seat are already up, be aware of the potentially dangerous area you are in, for if the seat is up you must be in uncultured savage territory. Once you are certain of a clean seating are, swiftly unbuckle your belt and lower your trousers and underwear. There is no need to dawdle over this part.
Seat yourself on the middle ‘ring’ toilet seat.
Now seated, find your reading material. If the WC you are occupying is not in your own home it is prudent to bring along your own reading material for just this purpose. Your enjoyment will be greatly increased if you have your own reading material with you. Spend this time now finding where you are up to in your book/magazine/movable printed type.
If you do not have your own reading material flick through the available materials on hand. If there is no materials on hand, stand up, raise your pants and leave this establishment. You will find no enjoyable poos here.
Given you are ready to commence and all is well at this point you may continue to the next and final step. If you are at all uncomfortable with anything at this point return to step one and repeat.
Poo.
Sci Fi movies have a way of hanging around a while. Star Wars has been on the top of the ‘official’ top ten list of sci fi movies for quite some time. Until now that is.
Here’s the new list:
The Top Ten:
1. Serenity (2005)
2. Star Wars(1977)
3. Blade Runner(1982)
4. Planet of the Apes(1968)
5. The Matrix(1999)
6. Alien(1979)
7. Forbidden Planet(1956)
8. 2001: A Space Odyssey(1968)
9. The Terminator(1984)
10. Back to the Future(1985)
So Star Wars has finally been knocked off the top spot by Serenity. Now, its nothing against Serenity. I love Firefly as much as the next person. I’ve watched the series and the film over and over (even rather sadly read the graphic novels). But does Serenity deserve to knock of Star Wars for the number one spot?
Honestly? No.
All this shows is the number of fan boy’s Firefly/Joss Wedon has out there. And it just goes a little way further to proving that some studio somewhere should get off their backsides and get talking to Josh seriously about picking up Firefly again.
Oh we can hope.
Musings and wastes of time, all to put off the inevitable work