Step 1

Be certain to enter the room with a dignified air. If you have to inform anybody that you need to visit the bathroom first, do so in an authoritative manner. Once you have entered the room, survey the scene before you. If you wish to appear more distinguished bring along a walking cane or monocle.

Step 2

Make a check of the immediate area. Is there enough paper on the roll? If the roll is not AT LEAST 3/4 full, are there back up rolls within an arms reach of the toilet? Check the lock on the door, are you sure it is securely fastened - only when you are certain of a secure environment for your deification can you be properly relaxed. Extra checks can include the whereabouts of air freshener and hand towels.

Step 3

Lift the lid of the toilet and proceed to briefly sanitize the middle ‘ring’ seat with a torn off and folded piece of toilet paper. (If there is no paper available - see step 2) If both parts of the toilet seat are already up, be aware of the potentially dangerous area you are in, for if the seat is up you must be in uncultured savage territory. Once you are certain of a clean seating are, swiftly unbuckle your belt and lower your trousers and underwear. There is no need to dawdle over this part.

Seat yourself on the middle ‘ring’ toilet seat.

Step 4

Now seated, find your reading material. If the WC you are occupying is not in your own home it is prudent to bring along your own reading material for just this purpose. Your enjoyment will be greatly increased if you have your own reading material with you. Spend this time now finding where you are up to in your book/magazine/movable printed type.

If you do not have your own reading material flick through the available materials on hand. If there is no materials on hand, stand up, raise your pants and leave this establishment. You will find no enjoyable poos here.

Given you are ready to commence and all is well at this point you may continue to the next and final step. If you are at all uncomfortable with anything at this point return to step one and repeat.

Step 5

Poo.